I’m going to run the risk of upsetting a few of my pre-baby friends with this, but hey, they have an abundance of kid-free time to get over it and being my friends, they hopefully know it’s sentiment is well meant. Well, kinda! I became a mum at 21, relatively young in this whole mum game – certainly as most of my friends were still globe-trotting or interning at various media hotbeds at the time. But no, not me – I was married, mortgaged and up-the-duff before 22 hit. I think because of this I had relatively little time to contemplate motherhood , what it would be like, what my child might look like, my birth et al. Fast forward 10 years, and my well-travelled friends have nabbed their “keepers” and are now planning their brood – the difference being, they’ve had plenty of time to consider their dream life once they’ve done the deed. But as a well-worn, old cynic in this motherhood thang, I’m here to shatter a few illusions and have a little whinge – sorry, not sorry!
Sowing the Seed
I listen on in amusement quite often, as my -pre-baby friends tell me that they’re going to get knocked up in the October, as that will fit in nicely with the house move, new job and Cousin Anna’s wedding next Summer. Whilst fumbling, not so careful teenagers can make getting up the duff look pretty simple and easy – unfortunately, this is not always the case. Not only are our bodies not always up for doing exactly what we want, when we want, there’s also a pain in the arse known as sod’s law. Positive pregnancy tests have a habit of occurring just as you’ve had your final fitting for your dress with your wedding in 10 weeks, just as you’ve confirmed the plans for your extension – due to complete in 11 months or on the brink of promotion.
What’s in a Name
I put this one down to far too many years to choose. My pre-baby friends spend hours procrastinating their child’s (quite often ridiculous) name – compiling a virtual list on their i-Phone. In some cases, having serious arguments with their other halves over potential monikers. Yes, whilst a name is important for any human, this really is a a somewhat pointless past-time. Instead, maybe discuss more vital things like your feelings on immunisations, religion, stay at home parenting, education blah blah blah. Or f**k it, don’t talk about any of that at all -once you’re on the pregnancy train you’ll have quite a few months to talk about these things. Spend you pre-baby time more carefully – once you pop that little human out your fanny, no time will be yours again…. EVER!
Once you’ve been ripped in two by the beautiful arrival of your bubs the last thing on your mind is going to be a co-ordinating baby outfit or mini shoes! Who actually puts mini shoes on a new-born? The pre-kid gang seem obsessed with little stuff, particularly trainers; from experience, gifted tiny Converse will sit in a box until making it onto Ebay or a carboot sale. They’re fiddly and pretentious – and don’t you just want to play with their itsy-bitsy toes whilst you can?!
Even if you can muster the brain-power to pull together a matching set of trousers, socks, top and cardi for your new human – chances are within 5 minutes it will be puke/milk or shit covered. Give up whilst you’re ahead and just don’t bother in the first place. Use your energy on more important things, like actually washing your hair or working the coffee machine.
You Think You’re Tired Now?!
FYI having your own, live in, 24/7 urchin will not be the same as holding mine for 5 minutes in a hipster coffee shop. Have you not taken note what I’m doing whilst you’re holding my wriggly child? I’ve downed 2 espressos and dashed to the loo – the former will become a necessity in your life just for survival purposes and the later I haven’t done on my own for at least 4 months! You say you’re ready for the crying, the nights and all the other super-glam parts of the parenthood job – but no one, not even Bear Grylls, can prepare you for what is about to hit you.
With all this in mind I can’t bloody wait for you, my overslept, do-as-you-please friends to be blessed with your own little person. I won’t point and laugh – promise! Even if your kid has a ludicrous name, pukes on his own tiny Converse whilst you face-plant into a vat of coffee.
Still got time for a quick laugh before you go? THIS vid sums up pre-baby friends perfectly! Enjoy x