Maybe it’s because I’m a mum of boys, or maybe I just have a soft spot for floppy hair – either way, I couldn’t have been prouder when 1D came third on X-Factor 2009, propelling them on a meteoric, sex (and allegedly drug) fuelled roller coaster of international success. Little did the bright-eyed Harry Styles know as he whispered into the winner, Matt Cardle’s ear: “Think how much pussy you’re gonna get!” – that he would, in fact, be on the receiving end of quite a bit of the feline synonym mentioned. But 1D, despite my years of loyal motherly love (even as your tattoo count entered triple figures and you actually got facial hair!), you’ve disappointed me in the past few weeks; as much as I am a die-hard fan of your free-spirited boyish behaviour, I am also a real girly-girl – willing to stand-up for womanhood and all its fabness, at the drop of a tampon!
It was last Sunday, whilst peeling the spuds, the latest 1D ditty – “Perfect” came on the radio. As usual, I thought the pop-y, auto-tuned harmony and cutesy lyrics were the same Simon Cowell, sugar-coated goodness I’d come to expect – but then – NO! In the space of 3:49 seconds you managed to call-out to every young girl, suffering from low self-esteem and offer her a one night stand – not only that,but you made it sound like a bloody good idea.
I’m not gonna get on my high-horse and pretend to be prudish, I’ve been (oh, was that really past tense?!) young and had a few one night stands – but let’s be honest, as one gets a little older you tend to realise, without getting too psycho-babbly, that those one night stands are in fact a cry for attention sprinkled with a deep-rooted desire to be loved and wanted. At the time it may seem rebellious, fun and as if you’re in control of the situation, but from experience, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
So, for those of you who haven’t heard “Perfect”,they spend a lot of time letting the young lady in question know exactly what they’re not…
- A knight in shining armour
- Someone you’d want to take home to your mum
- They won’t buy you flowers
- They’re not good at keeping promises
- You’re not to trust your heart in their hands
- Their arms aren’t going to give you a hug when you need one
But, on the bright-side (in case you couldn’t hear, that was laced with a heavy dose of sarcasm) they are….
- Up for causing illegal damage in hotel rooms
- Only really up for one-night-stands
- Willing to have “secret rendezvous” – which will probably suit them better then they can have a few of you “on the go” simaltaneously
- Love driving recklessly after dark with the windows down
- You’ll want to write break-up songs about them (cue Taylor Swift)
- Able to get you papped a lot
So girls, in short, if you have little self-worth, aren’t bothered about you mum’s opinion (you should be, she has experience) and don’t care about how shit you’ll feel in the morning – the 1D boys are “Perfect” for you – just make sure you pack industrial strength condoms!
Is this really the message we want to be giving our daughters? That you shouldn’t hold out for someone who’s going to bring flowers round when they meet your mum; or, makes a promise that they’ll be there to give you a cuddle when you most need it? I’m all up for saying what you are and aren’t capable of giving emotionally, but 1D boys, don’t then try to flog being an absolute dickhead as “Perfect”. In my day the Backstreet Boys were willing to offer all they had to give and the Take That boys were willing to sing a million love songs just to show how much they cared – this was chivalry in all its pop glory.
But what I want to know, does “Perfect” say more about the 1D boys and their insecurities, than the girls they’re about to unleash their charm offensive on?!