Mother of Boys – The Fear of Guests

Last Wednesday was a very exciting day (at least in my books),  after weeks and weeks of waiting the architect was finally coming to our house to reveal the plans for our much needed extension (in case you haven’t seen the last blog about this, check it out!).  The thrill, the wonder, the anticipation was nearly overwhelming, but this was soon taken over by The Fear!! The fear that only a mother of boys could possibly appreciate. The fear that is only heightened by weeks of the boys being at home (as opposed to spending their days at school), leaving me with little time to “do” around the house. The fear that once I’d plied our guest with a couple of cups of tea, as is the norm in our house, he would inevitably utter the dreaded words “could I use your loo!” and apparently the response of “Nooooooooooooo” whilst clinging to his ankles would have been inappropriate!

So I woke at 7am on that frightfully wet day, with Mr Only Girl in London with the two bigger boys, baby in arms and begun the mass toilet clean! We have three toilets (not luxury, but necessity) – so to cover all bases, as I wouldn’t know which he would be closer to at the time, I had to scrub all three free of bodily fluids, mop up the puddles behind the toilet, remove the pink smeared toothpaste from each sink and pick up the empty shampoo bottles which had decorated the side of the bath for a few months (at best).

My heart was warmed slightly, when my 7 year old looked up at me asking “Mummy what are you doing?” to which I replied “The architect is coming at 1pm” – he seemed to share The Fear, a look of horror came over his face and he asked “What can I do to help?” with a slight sense of urgency! Even the bloody 7 year old understood how filthy the toilets had become and couldn’t bear the thought of this innocent, single man with no children entering one of our “piss holes”!! I later discovered said 7 year old thought the architect was… “the man who comes to look round the house and decides if we’re allowed to stay.” – hence his panic at the possibility of being made homeless!

I would like to point out, we do not live in filth, neither do I go for weeks without cleaning at all – however, it’s just boys! I could clean those toilets every single day, however, should an impromptu guest arrive I would still be overcome by The Fear. I even panic when someone comes to collect something they’ve bought from Ebay from my house, especially if they tell me they’ve had a long journey – oh no, will they need a wee?! Chances are, 5 minutes prior to possible-guest visiting my privy, a small person would have emptied their bowels forgetting to flush, let alone use the loo brush, or at best, spent a penny whilst showering the loo seat with piss! Once upon a time I came up with (well, probably heard somewhere) a little ditty for the boys to follow: “Flush then Brush!”. Simple instructions, one would think, however, when carried out in the wrong order, as per what happened in our household, this leads to quite a mess!! Enough said!

All that said, Mr Architect came and went without needing to use the facilities.  But if he had, I was prepared!I understand The Fear I have comes from a deep-rooted need for perfection and my constant desire to people-please, I can’t help this (I’d like to think there are worst traits), but surely I am not the only mother of boys who gets The Fear?!